The previous interview with Mr. P.A.K.I.S.T.Anees Ghoulam had left me with more questions than answers. He had praised our role in sustaining their narrative against India, and that made me think about the original Godfather of Liberal journalism. That was when I came across the news that he has won the Top Ramen Noodles award for Yellow Journalism. His chief contribution was to find a way to blame everything on Mr Modi within 2 minutes. He was the reason most of us took up journalism as a hobby and peddling Left agendas as a career. I knew that I had to interview him.
"Welcome Mr....."
"Please dont give me a name here", he cut me off, "I am more than a name. I am a movement. I am every kind of movement in India- Leftist movement, Freedom movement, Bowel movement."
"Understood sir. So, how does it feel to win the prestigious Top Ramen Noodles award?"
"It is amazing, you know. I knew that peddling Left agenda can be rewarded by money, but I never knew I can get awards too."
"But what about the allegations that the company that gave away the awards is owned by your brother?"
"What?? How can you accuse me of being a capitalist? I am a socialist, nay, a Communist to the core. Even while coming here, I took a rickshaw, so that people can see how down to earth I am," he said, pouring himself a glass of Champagne.
"So the company is not owned by your brother?"
"It is owned by him, no doubt. But what my brother does is his problem, not mine. I focus on my work and it was my work that got me the award. Do you want to know the chief reason I won it?"
"What?"
"I coined the expression "Thats what Modi said!" It worked wonders. So, everytime anyone even remotely connected to BJP would say or do something stupid, our team would shout on television...."
"THAT'S WHAT MODI SAID!"
"Yes! Isn't it fun?"
"Wow sir. You are indeed an inspiration to us. How do you come up with such gems?"
"See, the essence of journalism is not how you find out the truth. Or how you present the truth. Or whether whatever you show is truth at all. The essence of journalism is how well you help those who finance you."
"I remember what you said on the first day of our college, sir. Please repeat it for the benefit of our readers."
"Socialist journalism needs capitalism to survive."
"Amazing. Young reporters like myself learnt this from you. We accept money from everywhere, but write to please the one who pay us the most."
"Correct. Only two ways to make money in this job- either you outsell everyone else, or you become a sellout. Since the former requires work and dedication, I choose to be the latter."
"So, how will you define your brand of sellout journalism?"
"So my journalism is all about opposing the fascist forces taking over our country. What we have as PM is literally Hitler. There is no space for dissent in the country. And I am doing dissent eveyday on television to oppose fascism."
"But they say your shows don't get TRPs any more, and people prefer to watch Mr Ornab."
"Yes. But they are common people, cattle class. They dont matter in the industry of news-making. Our journalism is for those who pay for it. They should feel happy that we are speaking their lines. What will the cattle class do by watching news, eh? Become Prime Minister?"
"Actually our current PM was one of those...."
"And THAT'S why I am here!! To ensure that NOBODY from the aam junta again dares to dream of becoming the PM, and that the power of the land remains concentrated in the hands of the few who have the means and power to pay us. I am here to ensure that the common man always remembers that if they dream to be the PM, they will face similar insults, trolling at the hands of elite and we will encourage that because the ELITE pay us and not the common man. The common man is just that- common, and they are destined to remain so."
I stood up and gave him a Nazi salute. He deserved it. His words brought tears to my eyes.
"You are amazing sir. No other journalist is a match for you. The power-families of the country will forever be grateful to your socialist journalism, which ensured them decades of power, before the current disrupter Hitler Modi took over. We still have so much to learn from you."
"Thank you. It is always a pleasure to rant against Modi, because frankly, I love my livelihood. This is what brings in my daily bread."
Interview done, we both got up and listened to the Communist anthem and started singing "Aazaadi" song with our dear comrade Nahi-kha-ya Kumar who was singing it outside my office. So I really dont understand why some people who worked in the clinic next door suddenly came and threw us all out. Can they not bear some noise? Darr ka maahol hai...
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