Liberal Trilogy 1- Chinese Whisperers

Pick nd choose, shoot and scoot

Truth and morals? we don't give two hoots.

Once we reported news, now we make them.

Once we generated views, now we fake them.

Once we were the masses' voice, now we are a cacophonous noise

Once we were the nation's choice, now we are China's choirboys.

We report, we lie,

for we choose the what and the why

Our narratives, so twisted,

as if the truth never existed.

For the right amount, we can be blind, we can be conniving,

Through our filter, oh so forgiving,

Stone pelters are just exercising their right to have fun,

And Burhan Wani is just a poor head masters's son!

Everytime the nation suffers, we rejoice,

Everytime we mislead the innocent with our ploys

With every fake news, we assert our rights as free men,

And forget our duties by screaming "THEY hanged Yakub Memon".

-Shivam

Profits from the passing

Your whinings, your weepings, your woes

Your family, your friends, your foes

are nothing but bytes to their news,

are nothing but a veil for their views.

When they have no esteem for the alive

When they have no dignity for the dead

they dig around your present and past

they tear your life to chewable shreds

For them, your life, was nothing but a spectacle

For them, your death, is a career miracle.

For they get to speak how much you meant

For they get to interpret all that you dreamt.

You are nothing but another breaking news,

Your woes are used to boost their channel views

When you were happy, they burned

When you left, they act concerned.

Who are they? The media, the brokers of news

the hyenas, the vultures, the rotting corpse who chews.

Shut off your telly, stay off the net

Find your happiness, in the people you've met.

The Fault in our News

The clock was ticking. Nervous perspiration trickled down their backs as they watched their chairman, their boss, their supreme leader walk in the conference room. This meeting was for deciding the direction in which their web portal had to be steered. With slow, shuffling steps, he walked. From the furthest chair in the room, he was only visible as a shining spot owing to the lack of hair. On his head.

"Good morning everyone," Patrick Cheena, the head of Fault Views grumbled. It was evident he was upset.

"What's with the mood boss?" the second in command, Mr GumBear asked.

"Damn this GPS! I wanted to go Left, but the bloody system made turn Right," Mr Cheena shouted, visibly angry, as he adjusted his wig.

Everyone in the hall was horrified. The murmurs started immediately. GumBear stood up and silently connected the display monitor to his laptop. Now, everyone's ten year old tweets where they had praised Modi were visible.

"Do you want me to run..." GumBear paused dramatically, "A FACT CHECK?" The murmurs stopped immediately. Everyone's attention shifted back to Mr Cheena, who had, by now, perfectly placed the wig. He now had hairs longer than Rapunzel. Tying them in a neat bun, he started, "So, what news do we have this week?"

"Sir there are memes with Taimur's tshirt turned orange. Sangh is trying to induct Taimur via photoshop," an intern spoke.

"Nice one! GumBear, run a fact check and show these Sanghis their place!"

"Sir, another news. NDTV just said...." He was cut off mid sentence by a wave of hands by Mr Cheena. He slowly walked towards the speaker, held his collar and shouted in his ears, "DO YOU NOT KNOW THE POLICY OF OUR SITE? DO WE FACT CHECK FAKE NEWS BY NDTV?"

His hearing impaired by a few decibels, the young hacker-cum-fact checker sat down, shaking.

GumBear interjected, "Patrick sir, with the border tensions at an all time high, we can use it to, you know, fact -check some claims."

Patrick's eyes gleamed. He patted GumBear on his back, stroked his chin to which GumBear slightly shook his head and smiled. Patrick turned around dramatically and said, "Go through every news on the India-China face-off. Abd while you do so, take these," he opened a duffel bag containing eyeglasses. But strangely, only the right lens was present. There was a black film where the left lens should have been.

"These are my latest fact checking glasses. If you wish to fact-check any claim, you wear these."

"But sir, why is the left side covered?" another hacker/fact checker asked.

"Dont you get it? Thess glasses help us fact-check. Now, you don't verify what you dont see. We will not see anything from the Left. It is our mission to counter and disprove anything the Right Wing writes."

"Wow. You are a genius, sir," GumBear exclaimed, "Where did you find these?"

"On my trip to China, a few days before the attacks began. These costed 2 Yuan each. And I am a 2 Yuan person," Mr Cheena replied.

Hence, in an orderly manner, the entire staff of internet trolls, hackers lined up to collect their eyewear, eager to write the next article showing how Indians are fools to fight against China or how Hindus are spreading terror. GumBear got busy digging out ten year old tweets of people who dared to support India on Twitter and started embarrassing them.

Somewhere in Italy, a descendant of Mussolini's soldier smiled.

Lives matter not

New Poem Alert!

This poem is trying to express my feelings about all those "social justice protests" ranging from anti CAA stir, to George Floyd. The essence is, nobody cares about the mob, and most certainly not those who instigate them to go on a violent rampage. If you think that social media warrior actually cares about you, you are sorely mistaken. All they care about, is their reach. And likes/shares/comments on their post. Or maybe just the political agenda of the party they support.

Read on!

Lives Matter Not

Lives matter not,

be it Dalits', Muslims' or Black.

Lies are all that matter,

and yes, white is the new black.

Lives matter not,

be it Brahmins', Hindus' or white,

Agenda matters, propaganda peddles

and no peddler cares about your rights.

Lives matter not,

Hashtags and twitter trends do

Burning shops and butchering cops is just,

Anything, everything to satisfy the violent lust.

Lives matter not,

Guns and knives do

You may hate, detest, even lynch

If it's fair game (1), justifying it is a cinch (2).

Lives matter not,

Being an online activist does

Social media is the new arena, twitter fights the new war,

Only matters that we trump the other, not what we fighting for.

Lives matter not,

they never did.

Behind the façade that is social justice,

the hypocrite's intentions hid.

Footnote-

1. Fair game- Concept of fair game in sects is that an individual can be harmed within the law of the sect, if they do anything against the sect. They are called "fair game". Like the concept of kaffirs.

2. Cinch- Something sure or easy.

Satire Interviews- RAtS

"Hello friends! Today we interview a person whom nobody knows. And that's precisely why she is here with us. Am I right Ms RAts?

"Absolutely. I am a very famous journalist in my gully, and I have written a lot of important articles on bladder habits of Taimur, which have been appreciated by everyone in my office. Even the sweeper."

"So, that takes your list of admirers to...?"

"Five. Apart from me, my office has a watchman, a receptionist, an intern and a sweeper."

"That's amazing. So, tell me about yourself. I am sure our readers are not interested in knowing who you are, but let's get it over with anyway."

"Thank you for asking that. See, I am a gender-fluid, free-speech warrior, travel freak, sapiosexual, cat hoarder."

"Ma'am, I haven't asked your twitter bio. I said, who are you?"

"But that's who I am. My twitter bio is literally my CV. Outside of twitter, I am not sure whether i even exist."

"So, what if Twitter were to, say, go down for a few hours?"

"I would be dead to the world. Alive, biologically. But otherwise, dead."

"That's such a Transcendence-level thought. Now, coming to the present. Tell our readers why you became famous yesterday."

"So, this was the thing. Modi asked Indians to stay united, and clap and bang plates to appreciate the coronavirus warriors. And I saw everyone appreciate the move. Of course, our own poison chalice, Ms Rana Ayyub, showed her hate there too. But it wasn't enough. I spotted an opportunity."

"What kind of opportunity?"

"There was nobody opposing this move except inconsequential people like Rana Ayyub, who nobody cares about. So I decided to jump in ans grab some headlines."

"And did it work?"

"Well, do you know my real name? No. And yet, here I am giving you an interview! Of course it worked! All I had to do was to write abuses on twitter and wish ugly things on people who stood united with the nation. Within minutes, hate began to pour in. But more importantly, so did the replies, the retweets, the Likes. These are the Roti, Kapda, Makaan of Twitter citizens like me."

"Very interesting point Miss.... whatever your name is. But all this hate, does it not affect you?"

"Barely. In fact, it has now inspired other attention-starved non celebrities to gain some traction. All we have to do is to show hate towards Indians, throw a random gomutra jibe and suddenly people like Kunal Kamra start following us."

"Kunal Kamra follows you?"

"Yes. Not on twitter though. He follows me daily when I go to work in the morning and return in the evening."

"Haha! That must be for his next stand up performance I think. Right?"

"Yes. Even if it were not, we can't risk alienating any kind of support, you see."

"So, do you really mean all these tweets about hoping that Modi voters get coronavirus?  Or the abuses?"

"Not at all. These are just a

 way to get people see my profile. If I dont get enough clicks in my articles, my advertisers won't pay me."

"Okay, too much honestly here. No wonder you didn't cut it as a journalist. Anyway, it was great talking to you."

"Thank you. Watch out for my next tweet. This time, I am gonna say how Pakistan is better than India. Oh, I can't imagine how much hate and attention I will receive!"

Your journalism is a JOKE and that's what Modi said!!

The previous interview with Mr. P.A.K.I.S.T.Anees Ghoulam had left me with more questions than answers. He had praised our role in sustaining their narrative against India, and that made me think about the original Godfather of Liberal journalism. That was when I came across the news that he has won the Top Ramen Noodles award for Yellow Journalism. His chief contribution was to find a way to blame everything on Mr Modi within 2 minutes. He was the reason most of us took up journalism as a hobby and peddling Left agendas as a career. I knew that I had to interview him.

"Welcome Mr....."

"Please dont give me a name here", he cut me off, "I am more than a name. I am a movement. I am every kind of movement in India- Leftist movement, Freedom movement, Bowel movement."

"Understood sir. So, how does it feel to win the prestigious Top Ramen Noodles award?"

"It is amazing, you know. I knew that peddling Left agenda can be rewarded by money, but I never knew I can get awards too."

"But what about the allegations that the company that gave away the awards is owned by your brother?"

"What?? How can you accuse me of being a capitalist? I am a socialist, nay, a Communist to the core. Even while coming here, I took a rickshaw, so that people can see how down to earth I am," he said, pouring himself a glass of Champagne.

"So the company is not owned by your brother?"

"It is owned by him, no doubt. But what my brother does is his problem, not mine. I focus on my work and it was my work that got me the award. Do you want to know the chief reason I won it?"

"What?"

"I coined the expression "Thats what Modi said!" It worked wonders. So, everytime anyone even remotely connected to BJP would say or do something stupid, our team would shout on television...."

"THAT'S WHAT MODI SAID!"

"Yes! Isn't it fun?"

"Wow sir. You are indeed an inspiration to us. How do you come up with such gems?"

"See, the essence of journalism is not how you find out the truth. Or how you present the truth. Or whether whatever you show is truth at all. The essence of journalism is how well you help those who finance you."

"I remember what you said on the first day of our college, sir. Please repeat it for the benefit of our readers."

"Socialist journalism needs capitalism to survive."

"Amazing. Young reporters like myself learnt this from you. We accept money from everywhere, but write to please the one who pay us the most."

"Correct. Only two ways to make money in this job- either you outsell everyone else, or you become a sellout. Since the former requires work and dedication, I choose to be the latter."

"So, how will you define your brand of sellout journalism?"

"So my journalism is all about opposing the fascist forces taking over our country. What we have as PM is literally Hitler. There is no space for dissent in the country. And I am doing dissent eveyday on television to oppose fascism."

"But they say your shows don't get TRPs any more, and people prefer to watch Mr Ornab."

"Yes. But they are common people, cattle class. They dont matter in the industry of news-making. Our journalism is for those who pay for it. They should feel happy that we are speaking their lines. What will the cattle class do by watching news, eh? Become Prime Minister?"

"Actually our current PM was one of those...."

"And THAT'S why I am here!! To ensure that NOBODY from the aam junta again dares to dream of becoming the PM, and that the power of the land remains concentrated in the hands of the few who have the means and power to pay us. I am here to ensure that the common man always remembers that if they dream to be the PM, they will face similar insults, trolling at the hands of elite and we will encourage that because the ELITE pay us and not the common man. The common man is just that- common, and they are destined to remain so."

I stood up and gave him a Nazi salute. He deserved it. His words brought tears to my eyes.

"You are amazing sir. No other journalist is a match for you. The power-families of the country will forever be grateful to your socialist journalism, which ensured them decades of power, before the current disrupter Hitler Modi took over. We still have so much to learn from you."

"Thank you. It is always a pleasure to rant against Modi, because frankly, I love my livelihood. This is what brings in my daily bread."

Interview done, we both got up and listened to the Communist anthem and started singing "Aazaadi" song with our dear comrade Nahi-kha-ya Kumar who was singing it outside my office. So I really dont understand why some people who worked in the clinic next door suddenly came and threw us all out. Can they not bear some noise? Darr ka maahol hai...

And they killed a son of a headmaster, a father of a Harvard student and a religious scholar..

Yesterday,  after a couple of drinks, I started hurling abuses outside our chawl, er, society. I abused my society chairman, my neighbours. I also threw stones at their windows. Now today, they want me locked in my room, er,  apartment and not leave until I sober up. Bloody fascists!! So, locked in the confines of my house, I decided to interview the person who would know all about it- Mr Parvez Abdul Khan Iftikhar Shah Tahir Anees Ghoulam, better known as P.A.K.I.S.T.Anees Ghoulam, head of a little known, bt extremely active organisation,  Kashmiris in India for Separate State Association (K.I.S.S.Ass). The organisation is mainly engaged in arranging for stone throwers for protests and activists for attacking Indian army camps.

"Activists, Mr Ghoulam?"

"Well of course. They are active. In activities. The activities that cause death and destruction  to Endian army. That makes them exactly what we call them- Activists. "

"It is an interesting  thought. Your activists are sure scaring the hell out of those soldiers!"

"You are getting us wrong brother. Our aim is not to scare them. We want to provoke them into attacking us back. Because who will join our cause if we dont show ourselves to be the victims of state oppression?"

"But would it not harm your kids? I mean, the oppressor Army maiming and killing them, it is bound to have casualties, right?"

"My kids? They are studying in London, where they will marry some Brit and contribute to our global cause."

"Oooh! Smart! But no, i was talking about the kids you send to attack the Army."

"Their job description includes the risk. They have the best job in the world- suicide bomber. No other job in the world so perfectly describes the work and risks so precisely."

"So how do you recoup the losses?"

"Oh, misguided youth are dime a dozen. Show them some videos, some random photos, activate their minds with key words-sacrifice, freedom etc. And they are ready to explode for you."

"Changing the topic for now. It's getting a bit too honest here. Not good journalism!"

"Hahaha! Well said bhaijaan. I am also not much used to honesty. My training sessions are also....."

"Cutting you off right here Mr P.A.K.I.S.T.Anees Ghoulam! Tell me, what is your response to allegations that you are a Pakistani agent?"

"I find it ridiculous, you know. I work for the interest of the oppressed muslims of Kashmir! I am not an agent or servant of Pakistan," Mr P.A.K.I.S.T.Anees Ghoulam added.

"So, if Kashmir gets azaadi, what industries do you think will help in its development?"

"Import-export. Our organisation import guns and grenades from pakistan and exports terorrists, er, bomb activists. Lucrative business."

"But what about the peace loving people in the Valley?"

"Oh most of them are peace loving. Thats why our recruitment agents work overtime in spreading hate against India. So that the peaceful people join our cause."

"What kind of agents?"

"The media, and India's liberals, of course. As long as your newspapers run headlines like 'And they hanged Yakub', as long as Burhan Wani is identified as a headmaster's son, as long as Osama is described as a loving father, as long as Baghdadi is called a religious scholar, and as long as your liberals write mercy petitions for our terrorists who killed hundreds of your own people, our activities will never stop receiving volunteers."

"Well, thanks for the complements. Yes, we love to glorify terrorists for viewership. Also we will support anyone, ANYONE who is against the current government, even if it means going against the nation. All for our liberal ideology. We want to protect rights of everyone, especially if we can use them mock the ruling party's claims of a secure India."

"Exactly bhaijaan. As long as we have support of the likes of you, our activities will never cease, and one day, we will bring an end to islamic oppression in India!!"

"That's a noble thought. Speaking of oppression, what do you think about oppression of Uighurs in China?"

"Uighurs? What is that?"

"Muslims in China..."

"China? Never heard of it. Okay, this interview is over. We have never spoken. Over and out."

Just before the line was cut, I could hear staccato of firing. Time to create another fatherly figure, religious scholar killed by the Army....