"Hello friends! Today we interview a person whom nobody knows. And that's precisely why she is here with us. Am I right Ms RAts?
"Absolutely. I am a very famous journalist in my gully, and I have written a lot of important articles on bladder habits of Taimur, which have been appreciated by everyone in my office. Even the sweeper."
"So, that takes your list of admirers to...?"
"Five. Apart from me, my office has a watchman, a receptionist, an intern and a sweeper."
"That's amazing. So, tell me about yourself. I am sure our readers are not interested in knowing who you are, but let's get it over with anyway."
"Thank you for asking that. See, I am a gender-fluid, free-speech warrior, travel freak, sapiosexual, cat hoarder."
"Ma'am, I haven't asked your twitter bio. I said, who are you?"
"But that's who I am. My twitter bio is literally my CV. Outside of twitter, I am not sure whether i even exist."
"So, what if Twitter were to, say, go down for a few hours?"
"I would be dead to the world. Alive, biologically. But otherwise, dead."
"That's such a Transcendence-level thought. Now, coming to the present. Tell our readers why you became famous yesterday."
"So, this was the thing. Modi asked Indians to stay united, and clap and bang plates to appreciate the coronavirus warriors. And I saw everyone appreciate the move. Of course, our own poison chalice, Ms Rana Ayyub, showed her hate there too. But it wasn't enough. I spotted an opportunity."
"What kind of opportunity?"
"There was nobody opposing this move except inconsequential people like Rana Ayyub, who nobody cares about. So I decided to jump in ans grab some headlines."
"And did it work?"
"Well, do you know my real name? No. And yet, here I am giving you an interview! Of course it worked! All I had to do was to write abuses on twitter and wish ugly things on people who stood united with the nation. Within minutes, hate began to pour in. But more importantly, so did the replies, the retweets, the Likes. These are the Roti, Kapda, Makaan of Twitter citizens like me."
"Very interesting point Miss.... whatever your name is. But all this hate, does it not affect you?"
"Barely. In fact, it has now inspired other attention-starved non celebrities to gain some traction. All we have to do is to show hate towards Indians, throw a random gomutra jibe and suddenly people like Kunal Kamra start following us."
"Kunal Kamra follows you?"
"Yes. Not on twitter though. He follows me daily when I go to work in the morning and return in the evening."
"Haha! That must be for his next stand up performance I think. Right?"
"Yes. Even if it were not, we can't risk alienating any kind of support, you see."
"So, do you really mean all these tweets about hoping that Modi voters get coronavirus? Or the abuses?"
"Not at all. These are just a
way to get people see my profile. If I dont get enough clicks in my articles, my advertisers won't pay me."
"Okay, too much honestly here. No wonder you didn't cut it as a journalist. Anyway, it was great talking to you."
"Thank you. Watch out for my next tweet. This time, I am gonna say how Pakistan is better than India. Oh, I can't imagine how much hate and attention I will receive!"
